So, I still occasionally write in the journal I kept this summer. Here's an excerpt from during the MCC ride in the beginning of August that caught my eye as I flipped through the notebook to find a new page to start writing on the other day (this was one of those times where I was "picking at my existential scabs", as Jon Krakauer puts it). But first, a little context: the ride started on the previous Sunday (so this was just the third day), and at this point it was dark, most people were in bed (their tents), and I was lying in my tent, writing this by the light of my headlamp. Don't worry, none of this is pushing on depression or anything like that, just struggling with the frustration of feeling somehow too involved in the stories portrayed by some of the books I read. Here we go [only slightly abridged/edited]:
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8-4-09 9:55pm Tues
Should sleep. Feel tired. Started reading "Through Painted Deserts." I'm sure it has some good thoughts, but it doesn't feel helpful reading books like this or "Into the Wild" - they frame life in a way that is much more poetic than I experience it. I do believe that people can go through life thinking those thoughts in the moment, not just retrospectively, but whenever I try to, all I end up feeling is, I don't know, unfulfilled? It makes me want to live a life bigger than life *is* - to experience life as I was not meant to experience it.
It fills me with a sadness that I have scaled the heights of mediocrity, but for some reason can only know what it's like to go further vicariously - appreciating the work accomplished by "kindred spirits." Spirits that were able to Go The Distance.
But it's not really that, is it? It's more of a wistfulness that comes, a contemplative wistfulness that brings with it sorrow over whatever is wrong in whatever small part of the world that is under scrutiny. It heralds an empathic wish to conform to that particular brand of extraordinary, and the let-down with the knowledge that I can never reach the heights of whatever great person because I am not that person - that I do not *wish* to pursue their dream. That means I must define my *own* heights, my *own* goals, my *own* greatness to be attained. I must define my own self as an absolute entity - no longer relative to or distinct from those I know.
Much can be said for choosing heroes and attempting emulation. I want to be someone that those who are dear to me can be proud of. I *need* to be someone that *I* can be proud of.
*That* needs to be my challenge - my goal. To identify, get to know, and live for myself. Not to live for myself in terms of a selfish life, but as in a life that I can be comfortable with as an independent individual with nothing to prove, nobody to impress, and no need to worry if someone likes me enough, over whether I am the friend I can best be and need to be, and over my self-victimized state, bemoaning my short-comings and throwing "Why me?" at God and whoever else will listen.
I don't even know. This is mildly depressing and is far too much to tackle now. I don't know how or when I'll be able to, but this is not the time. I need a few more days on the train. Or solo biking. Or solo hiking. Solo. Alone. *Solo yo*.
10:20. Good night.
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And then the next morning in another entry (I took a rest day on the 4th day of the MCC ride), I had a few quotes written down from "Through Painted Deserts," and one of my favorites (and certainly most relevant to this entry) is from p. 244:
"...life is not a story about me, but is being told to me, and I can be glad of that."
Thank you, Donald Miller.
I started the summer with a 100 page (college ruled, of course) composition book. It's dark blue and has some fuschia and yellow and blue paisley-ish designs on the covers. I filled probably close to 80 of the pages by the time I finished my biking - some reflection like what I have above (not much, though). A lot of it is description, record of events, or just plain stream-of-consciousness rambling. There's even a recipe or two I picked up along the way. Though it's not full now, it probably will be by the end of the year. It will be the first journal I've ever filled. I'm not much of a journaler. I wouldn't have been this summer, either, if I hadn't had so much time to kill in city parks through Kansas and on the train and other random places like that. I probably won't keep it up like this. Already I'm not writing every week, let alone every day. Funny how things like that change so quickly (even though I still have loads of free time during the job search).
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Turn the Page
No, I haven't started a new phase of my life since the post-biking phase. I'm still post-biking. "Turn the Page" is simply referring to Bob Seger's song, because I'm on the road again. But this time I'm killing the atmosphere in the process (with my car). Eh. Whatever. I think there are about 2100 miles of solo driving planned between this past Thursday (when I came out here) up through September 22nd, when I should be arriving back in Archbold from Columbus, Ohio.
I have not been quite as proactive as perhaps I ought to in the job search. So far, I have only applied for maybe 6 or 7 jobs, with only a few more lined up in CareerBuilder that I plan to apply for. I spent much more time exploring graduate programs online. The future that currently looks fun is to work 1 - 4 years, and then study to get a Ph.D. (Ph.D. is cheaper than a Master's, and only takes a few years longer). Where? I don't know. In what? Right now I'm thinking Neural Engineering.
You may wonder, what is that? Well, it's studying the brain to figure out how to plug various machines into it - robotic arms and legs for amputees, small circuits that can simply bypass a damaged segment of nerve to keep the electric signals travelling between the brain and the limb that is on the other side of that damaged nerve, and so on. An example of an electronic prosthesis that is already available is the cochlear implant. Basically, a few signal processors are implanted into the cochlea (the part of the inner ear that translate sound vibrations into electrical signals to send to the brain) while a hearing aid is worn behind the ear. Though each implant can only process a narrow frequency range, they can now put enough in that it give very nearly ability to sense the standard frequency range, quite literally giving hearing to the deaf (my grandma got this 5 or 6 years ago; it does work).
I'm not actually as interested in the cochlear implants, but that's what is actually commercially available now. Also in the works are mechanized arms and legs, and even an optical implant (though right now they have only brought that up to being a 4x4 pixel sensor, giving a total of 16 pixels of sight, which would barely help in sensing movement). The optical implant is some distance from implentation I think. But all this is getting there and terribly exciting.
So, Biomedical Engineering, here I come. The deaf will hear, the blind will see, and the lame will walk (and even have fully functioning robotic hands). It's the new Jesus major. (Can I actually say that?). There are many sub-areas of research related to this, some more engineering, some more physiology, some more materials science, but all of it is interdisciplinary and quite fascinating. I guess I will be taking some biology after all. But for now, to continue making supper and enjoy the rest of my visit to Syracuse, etc.
I have not been quite as proactive as perhaps I ought to in the job search. So far, I have only applied for maybe 6 or 7 jobs, with only a few more lined up in CareerBuilder that I plan to apply for. I spent much more time exploring graduate programs online. The future that currently looks fun is to work 1 - 4 years, and then study to get a Ph.D. (Ph.D. is cheaper than a Master's, and only takes a few years longer). Where? I don't know. In what? Right now I'm thinking Neural Engineering.
You may wonder, what is that? Well, it's studying the brain to figure out how to plug various machines into it - robotic arms and legs for amputees, small circuits that can simply bypass a damaged segment of nerve to keep the electric signals travelling between the brain and the limb that is on the other side of that damaged nerve, and so on. An example of an electronic prosthesis that is already available is the cochlear implant. Basically, a few signal processors are implanted into the cochlea (the part of the inner ear that translate sound vibrations into electrical signals to send to the brain) while a hearing aid is worn behind the ear. Though each implant can only process a narrow frequency range, they can now put enough in that it give very nearly ability to sense the standard frequency range, quite literally giving hearing to the deaf (my grandma got this 5 or 6 years ago; it does work).
I'm not actually as interested in the cochlear implants, but that's what is actually commercially available now. Also in the works are mechanized arms and legs, and even an optical implant (though right now they have only brought that up to being a 4x4 pixel sensor, giving a total of 16 pixels of sight, which would barely help in sensing movement). The optical implant is some distance from implentation I think. But all this is getting there and terribly exciting.
So, Biomedical Engineering, here I come. The deaf will hear, the blind will see, and the lame will walk (and even have fully functioning robotic hands). It's the new Jesus major. (Can I actually say that?). There are many sub-areas of research related to this, some more engineering, some more physiology, some more materials science, but all of it is interdisciplinary and quite fascinating. I guess I will be taking some biology after all. But for now, to continue making supper and enjoy the rest of my visit to Syracuse, etc.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
pizza!!
Well, I have a couple days at home alone now with the parents taking Darin to Hesston, seeing as his classes start Monday. I decided to take a break from the job search this morning and googled "real pizza dough recipes" and came across this website:
I have not tried it, but he has some very good, very detailed information on how to make a great pizza. I plan to at least try a less time-intensive version, starting this afternoon (after a grocery trip). I have high hopes for improving my pizza-making skills over the next couple days. Though I doubt I will try to trick the oven into letting me bake it at 800 - 900 F (apparently that's what you need for a really good pizza). I'd say one of my favorite parts of this guy's site is the number of myths he debunks (he may be wrong, but he sounds like he knows what he's talking about, so I'm taking his word on them actually being myths; he took about 6 years to develop this recipe).
It has been raining a lot the past few days here in Archbold, which is probably all just as well. It does keep me from going out fishing (even after the rain's done it's not really worth it - fish usually don't bite too well after a good rain or two, or five). It also keeps me from getting motivated to run and/or bike. Yes, I said it: bike. Last week I actually went out again and biked about 25 miles with my dad and brother-in-law after a 2.5 mile run (I figured running first would make it more fair to the other two).
The job search is going slowly. Well, slowly in some ways. I've been able to cross a lot of cities off my list very quickly (it doesn't take long to go through a city when you only come up with 50 job postings and zero, maybe one, are jobs I could apply for). I've heard about a couple distant possibilities both in Chicago and in Knoxville, but neither of those are sure bets at all or happening in the next month. On the bright side, there's nobody to share the fair trade chocolate bars with that were left sitting on the counter in the kitchen... That and this extra bit of unemployment gives me a little more opportunity for a couple/few quick trips visiting friends and family (though this time by car).
Sunday, August 9, 2009
A summary... (oh, and a little on New York)
The Finger Lakes region is pretty. It's not too dissimilar to eastern TN/southeastern IN, except it has a few really long, skinny, glacier-carved lakes. The riding was mostly fairly relaxed, or would have been if I hadn't pushed hard to get up hills to keep up with all the 50+ year old people (well really to keep ahead of them when possible, if only slightly, just to make it look like I had learned a little something about biking after doing 1400 miles of it before joining them, who have been cross-country multiple times and have been biking for longer than I've been alive). A couple days, due to hills of the previous days, I was more sore than I'd been all summer. But anyways, the food was great, the weather was pleasant, the company was fun, and the scenery was beautiful. And it was finished after a mere 5 days (one of which I might have taken off to sit and read...).
This summer, starting on the morning of June 2, when I left Archbold, up through August 7th at 5:00am when I arrived back in Archbold from the Finger Lakes ride, I...
...traveled a total of 7,811 miles:
1655 by bike
2090 by car
4035 by train or bus
and ~31 on foot, hiking
...consumed:
8 gallons of gatorade
maybe 25 - 30 candy bars (most of them king size, and usually two at a time)
nearly a full box of maple and brown sugar-flavored Malt-O-Meal
at least 1 - 1 1/2 lbs. of peanut butter
50 - 60 tortillas (almost always for lunch, but only for lunch)
2 large jars of peanuts (that was all before Utah)
...pedaled as many as 800,000 pedal strokes
...cursed at my bike and any convenient hill, pothole, or particularly smug-looking bird/small animal more times than I care to count
...traveled for two months and one week, spending 28 of those days on the bike (for about 125 hours of total riding time), drinking perhaps 40 - 50 gallons of water in those 28 days (in addition to the gatorade), and having only one of those biking days in the rain
...slept in my tent for almost exactly half of the trip, usually waking up (though not necessarily getting up) between 4:30 and 5:30am
...spent no more than 4 nights *not* using my sleeping bag since leaving Hesston (which is also almost as many nights as I've had air conditioning since then, as well)
...went for as many as 4 days without a shower and as many as 8 without wearing underwear (between bike shorts and lined pajama shorts, it's just not necessary...)
...got more tan lines than I could have dreamed of
..."slept" 3 nights on Amtrak and stayed awake 1 night in the car
...spent a lot of really amazing time with a lot of really amazing people - both old friends and the random acquaintences that come with traveling. So, to everyone who was a part of my summer - thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It has been incredible.
This summer, starting on the morning of June 2, when I left Archbold, up through August 7th at 5:00am when I arrived back in Archbold from the Finger Lakes ride, I...
...traveled a total of 7,811 miles:
1655 by bike
2090 by car
4035 by train or bus
and ~31 on foot, hiking
...consumed:
8 gallons of gatorade
maybe 25 - 30 candy bars (most of them king size, and usually two at a time)
nearly a full box of maple and brown sugar-flavored Malt-O-Meal
at least 1 - 1 1/2 lbs. of peanut butter
50 - 60 tortillas (almost always for lunch, but only for lunch)
2 large jars of peanuts (that was all before Utah)
...pedaled as many as 800,000 pedal strokes
...cursed at my bike and any convenient hill, pothole, or particularly smug-looking bird/small animal more times than I care to count
...traveled for two months and one week, spending 28 of those days on the bike (for about 125 hours of total riding time), drinking perhaps 40 - 50 gallons of water in those 28 days (in addition to the gatorade), and having only one of those biking days in the rain
...slept in my tent for almost exactly half of the trip, usually waking up (though not necessarily getting up) between 4:30 and 5:30am
...spent no more than 4 nights *not* using my sleeping bag since leaving Hesston (which is also almost as many nights as I've had air conditioning since then, as well)
...went for as many as 4 days without a shower and as many as 8 without wearing underwear (between bike shorts and lined pajama shorts, it's just not necessary...)
...got more tan lines than I could have dreamed of
..."slept" 3 nights on Amtrak and stayed awake 1 night in the car
...spent a lot of really amazing time with a lot of really amazing people - both old friends and the random acquaintences that come with traveling. So, to everyone who was a part of my summer - thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It has been incredible.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Back East
The West is now a thing of the past. After three days of zero productivity/activity in Archbold, I'm ready for my train ride (which leaves at 3:00am tonight/tomorrow morning), which will carry me out to my last chunk of cycling for the summer - a 5 day, 270 mile ride with MCC in the Finger Lakes region of New York. Beyond spending days on end in a house and not biking, it's strange here because it's green and it rains. Haven't gotten much of that this summer. It has been graciously cool, though, barely touching 80 F during the day.
Well, I leave Archbold in about 6 1/2 hours, I guess I should pack. Isn't really anything else to say. Here's a sunrise.
Well, I leave Archbold in about 6 1/2 hours, I guess I should pack. Isn't really anything else to say. Here's a sunrise.
Friday, July 24, 2009
'Tis strange...
Ok, first, here's a link to the website of the body exhibit we saw in San Diego: http://www.bodyworlds.com/en.html
And now on to the post...
Before leaving San Diego, I'm pretty sure I spent at least 95% of the previous two weeks within 10 or 15 yards of Nate (or certainly within sight, at least). After taking a few days to get used to traveling with someone upon arriving in Moab, it now feels equally strange (if not stranger) to travel alone. Food, where to sit, what schedule to follow - none of this is dependent upon anyone else at this point. When I chat with random people (as I did for quite some time on the train in the past two days), I no longer am able to split the conversation with Nate. I have to make my own breakfast, even. One of the biggest changes is not having someone to share my thoughts with. In Kansas, I got used to storing them and putting them into my journal, but through California I was able to share and compare thoughts and impressions, etc. with Nate right then and there, and get his perspective on whatever was going on. 'Tis strange, indeed.
So now I'm back to having only my own commentary to think about and my own self to converse with, and I'm sure things will feel strange again when I get back to Ohio and actually spend a while at home. I'm not exactly sure what to think of all of this, but I do know I have another 35 - 40 hrs of train ride (Sun and Mon) to spend with my journal, as well as in solo conversation with whomever happens to be conversational on the ride.
And now on to the post...
Before leaving San Diego, I'm pretty sure I spent at least 95% of the previous two weeks within 10 or 15 yards of Nate (or certainly within sight, at least). After taking a few days to get used to traveling with someone upon arriving in Moab, it now feels equally strange (if not stranger) to travel alone. Food, where to sit, what schedule to follow - none of this is dependent upon anyone else at this point. When I chat with random people (as I did for quite some time on the train in the past two days), I no longer am able to split the conversation with Nate. I have to make my own breakfast, even. One of the biggest changes is not having someone to share my thoughts with. In Kansas, I got used to storing them and putting them into my journal, but through California I was able to share and compare thoughts and impressions, etc. with Nate right then and there, and get his perspective on whatever was going on. 'Tis strange, indeed.
So now I'm back to having only my own commentary to think about and my own self to converse with, and I'm sure things will feel strange again when I get back to Ohio and actually spend a while at home. I'm not exactly sure what to think of all of this, but I do know I have another 35 - 40 hrs of train ride (Sun and Mon) to spend with my journal, as well as in solo conversation with whomever happens to be conversational on the ride.
Monday, July 20, 2009
bodies, borders, and baseball
Ok, we arrived in San Diego by noon on Saturday, climbing a really steep hill to finish our trip to the apartment of Molly Moyer (someone we went to Goshen with, and apparently my 3rd cousin). That evening she and her two housemates had a housewarming party with a bunch of family and friends coming over - they only moved in about a month ago.
Sunday was much more relaxed - after a late lunch of egg, etc. scramble, we made our way to the San Diego Padres ballpark for a picnic lunch (amazing sandwiches provided by Karen, Molly's housemate's mom). We then watched the game - they played (or at least tried to play) against the Colorado Rockies (Padres lost 6-1). So, after only going to one major league baseball game in my entire life, I have been to two major league games and one minor league game this summer. Nate, Molly, and I finished the day by visiting a seaside park where we went on an old wooden roller coaster.
Today was even more relaxing. Nate and I went to the San Diego zoo, saw some pandas, etc., and then went to a Body Worlds exhibit at the San Diego Museum of Natural History. It was pretty incredible.
They had taken *real* bodies (donated for this purpose), dissected them, and presented them in different positions with different layers pulled off, different muscles pulled away, etc. It was all preserved by basically being plasticized somehow (they infused plastic into the entire cadaver, so you could see all the surfaces of the muscles and bones and organs, but it was perfectly preserved). I was a bit queasy at first, but it was really neat to see all the body laid out like that. There were even a few displays where they somehow preserved all the blood vessels and used chemicals to remove all the other tissue, leaving only the network of blood vessels. It was amazing - they had the blood vessel network (still in its 3-D orientation/positions) of the entire human hand and head, and then also the network for a rooster and a lamb. Another really neat part was a section talking about human development - they had preserved fetuses of almost every major step of development (4 wks, 4 1/2, 5, 6, 7... 20, 22, 25, 28). It's an incredible exhibit. I believe there are a few more locations for this installation. If you're interested in that stuff it's definitely worth looking it up to see if there's something anywhere close to where you are or may be anytime in the near future. It was even better because Nate was giving me a guided tour of every display (having just finished his first year of med school).
So, I believe Wednesday I get on the train and start my way back to the midwest, but for now, viva la California...
Sunday was much more relaxed - after a late lunch of egg, etc. scramble, we made our way to the San Diego Padres ballpark for a picnic lunch (amazing sandwiches provided by Karen, Molly's housemate's mom). We then watched the game - they played (or at least tried to play) against the Colorado Rockies (Padres lost 6-1). So, after only going to one major league baseball game in my entire life, I have been to two major league games and one minor league game this summer. Nate, Molly, and I finished the day by visiting a seaside park where we went on an old wooden roller coaster.
Today was even more relaxing. Nate and I went to the San Diego zoo, saw some pandas, etc., and then went to a Body Worlds exhibit at the San Diego Museum of Natural History. It was pretty incredible.
They had taken *real* bodies (donated for this purpose), dissected them, and presented them in different positions with different layers pulled off, different muscles pulled away, etc. It was all preserved by basically being plasticized somehow (they infused plastic into the entire cadaver, so you could see all the surfaces of the muscles and bones and organs, but it was perfectly preserved). I was a bit queasy at first, but it was really neat to see all the body laid out like that. There were even a few displays where they somehow preserved all the blood vessels and used chemicals to remove all the other tissue, leaving only the network of blood vessels. It was amazing - they had the blood vessel network (still in its 3-D orientation/positions) of the entire human hand and head, and then also the network for a rooster and a lamb. Another really neat part was a section talking about human development - they had preserved fetuses of almost every major step of development (4 wks, 4 1/2, 5, 6, 7... 20, 22, 25, 28). It's an incredible exhibit. I believe there are a few more locations for this installation. If you're interested in that stuff it's definitely worth looking it up to see if there's something anywhere close to where you are or may be anytime in the near future. It was even better because Nate was giving me a guided tour of every display (having just finished his first year of med school).
So, I believe Wednesday I get on the train and start my way back to the midwest, but for now, viva la California...
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